If you just rolled your eyes at the headline, you're exactly the person that needs to read this. Sure, it's not sexy. It doesn't show up as a line item in a financial report. It isn't even [insert corporate wordage here]. In fact, it actually makes some people feel uneasy. But what's the greatest investment you can make in your business as well as life? Giving a $@*^! In this season of giving, how about we do just that?
Companies are clamoring to find ways to connect with customers more personally. Huge investments are being made in analytics, customer behavior, demographics, and data mining just to find out who you really are and what gets you to buy something. Loyalty programs are a lucrative business, but after that first boost of points or miles, what makes a customer stay? It’s feeling that personal connection – something that says “you really DO know me!” It’s a relationship, and like any, it has to be nurtured. But there’s something you can’t get from a simple app and that’s the feeling of a human-to-human bond. It’s a connection that doesn’t have to last a long time but simply acknowledges someone’s presence, and more significantly, their importance, not as a customer but as a fellow human being in a specific place and time. Share a commonality and you’ve begun a relationship. It's true in business as well as life in general.
Allow me to share a personal story. I have a dear friend that I admire immensely because she has a gift that not many do. She guards her privacy vigorously so I’ll just call her "AJ." She has an amazing ability to connect with people in just about any setting you can think of. She was part of a long anticipated trip to New York City recently – part of a milestone birthday gift – and I really worried that she’d have a bit of a challenge connecting with hardened New Yorkers. AJ is too nice, I thought. People would walk all over her if she didn’t put her guard up. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
It started with a snowstorm that made her easy trip from eastern Canada to LaGuardia Airport anything but. Her first flight was cancelled. She was then sent all the way down to Florida to connect back up and that second flight wound up diverting to Virginia once it was known that LGA was down to one runway and on the verge of closing due to the weather. Any one of us would be frustrated, tired and defeated with such a long delay. AJ was too unconcerned with that. As a former travel agent, she knew it was part of the deal. In short order she was making new friends, sharing drinks and great conversations with strangers who were more than happy to oblige. Adversity has a way of unifying strangers, but for AJ, it’s not even a forethought to engage someone, even if they have that “I’d rather be alone” look. She finds a way to relate no matter the situation. For her it’s an instinct, not a plan. She finally made it in, the smiles and enthusiasm masking the wear and tear of an 11-hour delay. It was time to enjoy New York during her favorite time of year.
As she happily navigated the crowds through Manhattan on a busy Thanksgiving week she managed to meet a woman waiting for an elevator at Macy’s in Herald Square who offered to lead us to the right subway to get to Canal Street and Chinatown for dinner. AJ simply asked if she was heading in the right direction. Within 15 minutes, the two were engaged in an uproarious conversation about life, love and relationships. The woman had recently suffered a break-up and had to find a new place to live within weeks of it happening. She was on her way to meet a new interest who had dinner and her favorite Scotch whiskey waiting for her. After a few subway stops, we all parted ways and the two of them disengaged just as quickly as they connected, but with that look of satisfaction like one has after enjoying an incredibly comforting meal. For those short moments, they filled each other’s tea cups with smiles and laughs, and then it was over. Or was it really? We’ll never know the impact that encounter had on that woman but I can guarantee that she was thinking more of AJ than her ex-boyfriend for a good while.
AJ wasn’t finished. At the restaurant in Chinatown, as our waiter guided us around an extensive menu, through broken English and an often awkward exchange of questions and answers, AJ found a way to let him understand our appreciation. He looked upon us, worried that we’d not like our choices and eagerly watched our first tastes. It was delicious – all of it. We had a bit of trouble conveying our approval, even with the word “delicious” but AJ found a better way. “This is good food,” she simply said as she gently place her had on his arm. He smiled and began to explain about the history of the restaurant, and the success they’ve had for decades because of the hand-crafted fresh dishes they prepare each day. It turns out it was also a favorite of the late chef and travel author Anthony Bourdain, who found the modest “hole in the wall” setting as charming as the food was great – enough to come back just about every year. AJ's eyes lit up because Anthony was a favorite celebrity of her mom and she couldn't wait to tell her where we ended up. AJ shared the fact that the restaurant’s opening also coincided with her birth year and the smiles from the staff only grew bigger. Before the duck, noodles, dumplings and soup were all done, she managed to chat up the people at the next two tables who remembered to wave a friendly goodbye when it was time for them to leave. It was a “thank you” that didn’t require words but we knew it and felt it.
On another evening after a meal in Little Italy in The Bronx (which residents call "the real Little Italy"), we met up with an aspiring performer on a crowded bus after AJ asked if we were heading in the right direction to catch our train back to Manhattan. Before the ride’s end, we learned about his website and his followers on social media and how he took care of his mom at home while making time for his art. He offered to call our stop to make sure we didn’t miss it, all because of AJ‘s friendly and disarming approach amid a sea of hats, scarves, coats sweaters and worn faces. I didn't dawn on me at the time, but AJ was channeling the spirit of Charles Kuralt, the famed CBS journalist and storyteller extraordinaire. He took us on road trips across the country chatting up the most interesting people we wouldn't usually think to stop and speak with. AJ has that gift.
The moment I realized the power of her quiet kindness came during a late night ride on the subway back to our temporary apartment. AJ had witnessed a young woman getting on the train with a bouquet of flowers. She said “oh, those are so pretty and I could smell them as you walked by.” The woman barely acknowledged the comment and proceeded to sit two persons away as if she hadn’t heard a thing. It was the New York moment I had feared would temper AJ’s general enthusiasm and positivity. The long ride home continued and AJ later confessed that she had seen the young woman become emotional, her eyes welling up for some reason. AJ said she resisted asking her if everything was OK. We all need our space, you know, and as outgoing as AJ is, she respects people’s need to just be. What could have been going through that woman’s mind? Were the flowers for a funeral? Was she part of another cold break-up story? We’ll never know. But that wasn’t as significant as what happened next.
As the woman’s stop came up and passengers moved about to exchange places between those leaving and new ones coming aboard, the woman gently placed a rose on AJ’s lap as she abruptly left. It was the same color as the scarf AJ was wearing. Whether or not it was coincidental, this time it was AJ almost welling up with tears. Whatever she did, whatever impact her words had, AJ had connected in a way that made a difference in what this person was feeling. They said nothing to each other during the whole ride, but it was that acknowledgement, that compliment, which formed an unlikely bond between two strangers that required no words or even glances.
All of us know an AJ. She or he might work with you or for you, or could even be someone special in your life. Heck, there might be some among you reading this right now. If there is an AJ in your midst, don't let go. You can't train or hire someone to learn this craft and if you're in the business of creating relationships, this is your gal or guy.
As someone lucky enough to know an AJ on a personal level, I'll leave you with this:
We go through the ”giving” seasons, from Thanksgiving through Christmas and beyond, wishing people comfort, peace and happiness. That's the easy part. Making it happen, one smile, question or compliment at a time is a gift we’re all happy to receive but one we should also make time to give. Kindness costs nothing – maybe a little discomfort for some, but so little else. There are many people for whom this time of year is not as happy as we hope or wish. The reasons are many but the difference we can make by just being there, even for a fleeting moment, is immeasurable. Find your inner AJ and you‘ll find out what gifting really is.
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